Introducing Toys into the Relationship.
Adding toys into lovemaking goes back many centuries. The idea of them has been recorded in paintings and sculptures as far back as the fourth and fifth centuries. The Book of the Kama Sutra features early dildos made of wood, leather and stalks.
Why add Toys?
Some women are aroused quickly and some women take longer, some orgasm easily yet others find it difficult to climax every time they make love. Some men climax quickly and some have a difficult time maintaining an erection. There is no set timeframe for arousal or climax and because we are all different, sex can be a frustrating and unsatisfying experience for a couple. That’s where toys can be helpful.
If a partner climaxes early or needs a longer arousal time than their lover, sexual play doesn’t have to stop. Toys can assist to keep one partner aroused until the other is recharged enough to continue or can speed up the arousal time of a partner with a longer fuse.
Visual and Mental Stimulation
Your most erogenous zone is your mind. Some people find using toys to be extremely erotic and can help experiment with different forms of penetration without the anxiety of a lover being present.
As you’re engaging in oral sex on your partner, why not use a toy at the same time? Fingers and hands are very erotic, but using a toy can also be very pleasurable and will ease fatigue that the giver may experience after a while.
Using toys can be a very good form of safe sex. As long as your toy is wearing a condom, you’ll never have to worry about infecting yourself with dangerous bacteria and you can share your toy with a partner. Just change the condom before your partner uses it.
Misconceptions About Toys
“My man thinks that my using a vibrator will replace him.”
No toy can ever replace the loving touch and affection of another human being. A toy can enhance sexual play with your partner but never replace them.
“Using toys is not normal.”
Absolutely false! It is very easy in a relationship for bedroom boredom to set in – when you know exactly what your partner is going to do and how. Toys allow you to add new sensations and dimensions to your lovemaking. Different times and different moods call for different types of play – a variety of toys is ideal and great for keeping the excitment and passion alive.
Incorporating Your Toys Into Partner Play
If your partner has never used any kind of sex toy, they might feel threatened or inadequate. Inadequacy is the biggest fear, although most people won’t admit to it. But if you use compassion and understanding when introducing the idea of using toys, they just might be accepted.
Don’t bring out your toys in the middle of sex.
This kind of surprise can be very upsetting. A partner may feel that fact that you have a toy indicates that perhaps they are not doing something right or giving you sexual pleasure often enough. Before whipping out your toys, take into consideration how your partner will feel. Unless you are absolutely positive that your lover will be excited about it, don’t introduce it during sex.
Don’t be accusatory when you discuss incorporating a toy into your lovemaking.
Saying things like, “You don’t do this.” and “You don’t do that.” and “I don’t like it when you do this.” or “You just don’t satisfy me anymore.” can be extremely hurtful. If it’s approached in a way that makes your partner feel like he/she has been doing something wrong or not enough, then your partner will be very defensive from the start. And that’s it, once a wall has been built up, your partner is not going to hear you out. And sometimes the relationship is strained because of it.
Don’t bring up the subject at a bad time.
By this, we mean, right before, during or right after sex. Try not to bring it up if you have to go to a meeting or work. The discussion will be rushed, and not worked through because you or your partner will have to leave. Sex can be the most difficult topic for lovers to discuss with each other. You can talk openly about it to your friends or even strangers, but when it comes to each other, sometimes there are too many emotions that get in the way.
Do discuss this at a time when you’re both relaxed and feeling open.
Don’t discuss it when you both walk in the door after a stressful day at work. Have dinner, put the kids to bed and just when you’re both ready to sit down and relax for the night, set a comfortable atmosphere in a room besides your bedroom. You want to create a relaxed atmosphere where your partner will feel safe and be able to express his/her feelings openly.
Start the conversation with an idea to spice up your already satisfying sex life.
Mention that you’ve heard or read about some interesting techniques that sound exciting. There are a variety of reactions that can happen when you bring this up. Listen to him/her, answer questions, calm concerns and fears, assure your partner that this is not a solution to a problem, it’s just an idea of something different to try. If you are really happy with your sex life, let your partner know it, and keep telling him/her that. But be willing to listen.
Look through our selection on this website. Discuss what you see, laugh at them if you want. Remember sex is fun and a great form of stress release. Relax and communicate. If you want, let your partner choose the style, so that they are involved with the toy.
If you already own a toy
Be honest and up front from the start if you can. Whipping out your out your own secret toy after discussing that introducing toys is something that you would like to do and have never done it before will most likely upset your partner big time.
Show your toy to your partner. Ask your partner if they want to watch you use it. The best way for your partner to learn how to use it with you is watch you use it yourself. If they are enjoying watching you play with it, invite them to help you. Tell your partner how exciting this is for you. The important thing is to make sure your partner is involved and doesn’t feel like an outsider. Remember, you’ve been playing with this toy for a while, it may be seen as another lover. So get your partner involved. But don’t make the toy the focus though, make sure that you end the play with your partner, at least for the first few times.. This shows your partner that you are truly satisfied with him or her.
If it’s the first time using a toy for both of you
When your toy arrives, make a night out of it. Set up a romantic atmosphere in the room you want to play in, light candles. Both of you handle it, laugh, be playful. Tease each other with it. If your toy is a vibrator, massage all over your partner’s body with it. Don’t just start thrusting crazily. Make sure you have your bottle of lubricant on hand, once play starts you don’t want to have to search for the lube. When you are both really aroused, you’ll know when to bring it into play. Kiss your partner, stay in contact and in direct communication with him/her. Take your time with it and enjoy the pleasure it gives you or your partner. But don’t end your lovemaking with it. End your lovemaking with each other at least the first few times. This assures both of you that you are both all the other needs and these toys are just additions, not necessities.
Take your time, relax and enjoy the new sensations and intimacy that toys can provide.
Talk, share, listen, respect and above all